When COVID-19 hit it was mid-March. Three months until the end of my senior year at CSU Chico (Chico State as the locals call it). At that point in my life so much was happening and I mean <strong>so much</strong>.

It was a week before my 22nd birthday celebrations and my sorority was kicking off the month with parties, annual get togethers, and what not. I was wrapping up the last of my efforts in my non-profit internship. Finals were up and coming, resumes were being finalized. I had set my application for Peace Corps and had my confirmation for my interview. I mean my life was on this quick pace where I was trying to do it all and see it all before my final goodbye on stage. Thinking about it from now I still get shaky emotional.

A little before COVID-19 in January I went home for winter break where I heard a long-time family friend got sick with a mysterious virus that led to his shocking death. He was young and healthy, and doctors weren't sure of the cause of his death but they had brought up the name "corona virus". I had heard a little on the news about people getting severely sick but nothing that was alarming. So when everything came to a sudden halt it felt unreal, it was scary how empty the streets and stores became. I had to go home and finish school online. Waiting was the worst part, to see when to come back and to see how the government was going to clear everything up. So much information was in the air and I was becoming scared, nervous and angry. I mean for my school we had really gone through four years of hardship already with devastating fires. But the day my school announced that graduation would be canceled was the day the rolling news of cancellation everywhere else followed.

My job. My career plans. My plans for the summer. Everything in person was cancelled until further notice. I cried for a week straight. Full of mixed emotions because I understood that people were dying and it was for the safety of the masses. But as a first-generation person of color woman, I was riddled with anger because that was <em><strong>the</strong></em> biggest accomplishment of my life. I had worked so hard for years, I had no clue what was going to be in store for me next. All I could think of on loop was this memory of me in A.V.I.D. where me and my classmates are trying to decide what to apply for as our major for our college applications. Taking these personality tests on College Board where I kept getting Photographer and Journalist next to Magician and Dumpster Diver- <em>no joke</em>. My teachers kept repeating to pick something <em>practical</em> because paper news was scarce and the job won't be there for long. From there on I kept telling myself "The worst thing that could happen would be that I get no job after college", because I loved everything about my major and my experience at my school that I never considered changing my major to anything else. Well, the worst thing actually happened and mentally it was a dark time for me.

I didn't have the easiest childhood and I didn't grow up in the wealthiest community. In fact, the more privileged friends I made in college actually called my house and community "poor and ghetto". <em>I know, such good friends I have.</em> But through the years I grew as a person, I wasn't the same and I had healed all my wounds. I was ready to walk that stage with pride to show my family that I had done it with flying colors. To be a positive role model for my little brothers. To show my absent father that I grew without his help. To show the world that I had ideas worth hearing despite coming from a state school education all my life.

After the rest of the year went by, I was working two shitty part-time jobs- <em>excuse me, what I mean to say was that I was an essential worker.&nbsp;</em>Pretty much I spent my days going to work and then going home- that's it. I was over the idea of being surrounded by my fellow classmates on stage, that it was literally impossible. A whole year went by. A whole new class. And what? That's two whole classes that don't get anything. <em>Okay</em>, well I got a virtual graduation ceremony that went completely wrong in every way possible. More than half our class actually voted against it, in turn less than half our class actually participated in the virtual ceremony. Our school promised that our pictures, messages, and name pronunciations would be in a fancy-schmancy slide show. Names were said wrong, not all images were included, some people had wrong or missing information attached to their slide, and some people were forgotten entirely. People that didn't even want to be included were included after all with a practically blank slide. It was a mess so the school decided to say sorry with a gift sent to your home. A water bottle and a set of stickers. That definitely says sorry. <em>Remember that when you get into an argument with your significant other folks.</em>

That may be too much background information but otherwise my emotions today wouldn't be fully comprehended without it. After a year went by, no expectations of walking- Chico State was fighting with our class <em><strong>still&nbsp;</strong></em>on whether or not we deserved to walk. The school said no, and the people refused. All around California other schools were already having modified in-person ceremonies for their class of 2020 and 2021. My class made history, I mean our diaries were being documented for future reference, so we refused to be <em><strong>forgotten</strong></em>- my class demanded for a do-over. Class of 2021 was scheduled for in-person ceremony regardless. Then the school last minute changed their minds. Chico State rearranged the graduation itineraries for both classes. Gave my entire class a week to sign up, regather regalia, and schedule travel to attend the ceremony. At first I thought it was another online rumor- like<em> no, someone is spreading lies here</em>.

But it was real! Initially I was against the idea, I'm over it- I don't know who's actually going, or if it'll come out a mess again. Plus there were restrictions, it wouldn't be the same. There would be no live audience, meaning my family and friends weren't allowed to come. We weren't even given much information- did I need to pay for everything again? I didn't exactly get a refund the first time. All of my friends had the same questions, just as unsure as me. At the end of the day what it came down to was; If I said no now would I regret it later? Will the school just change their minds last minute again? If everything turns out fine am I going to regret not showing up? Will I be okay with my family watching it live, if they actually wake up at 8 a.m. to watch it live? Am I here for my friends, my family, or myself?

[caption id="attachment_364" align="alignleft" width="300"]<a href="https://www.audreehernandez.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/51184816339_04542587f3_c.jpg"><img class="wp-image-364 size-medium" src="https://www.audreehernandez.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/51184816339_04542587f3_c-300x200.jpg" alt="How the seats were arranged during the ceremony" width="300" height="200"></a> Photo by Jason Halley from Chico State Flickr.[/caption]

So I signed up and showed up. I had no clue who was showing up or how everything would pan out. I was going for myself, to finally let go of the anger of COVID-19 ruining <em>my</em> moment. My friends gave me a place to stay, and I linked up with 7 other friends that I haven't had the chance to see since the start of COVID-19. On a Sunday at 8:30 a.m. we got in line with our masks on. I texted my family the live link, not expecting them to wake up that early to watch me. Luckily, my friends and I were able to stay as a group and sit spaced out together in the same row. The seats were six feet apart. Once the music started the cameras were on.

We were all giddy and glammed up. I was trying not to cry because I spent an hour getting ready and I didn't want to ruin it in front of the cameras. But under the mask I was breathing heavy with my watery eyes. My voice was shaky and I had a lump in my throat. Before COVID-19 I would've sat next to my department but this time I was sitting next to the people who gave me some of the best experiences in my college life. To my surprise, my entire family had all been watching me wave to the cameras like a little kid blasting my phone with screenshots of me live. The moment I got on stage to grab my fake degree (because my real one was already home) without my mask I let out the biggest smile. I did walk into people on stage and almost exited wrong but it went fine!

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I didn't care about the distance, and it literally lifted all this weight off my shoulders. For weeks I had migraines and such negative thoughts and after that day I just felt like I had regained so much confidence back. The day wasn't perfect but I still wouldn't have traded that moment for anything else. I had no clue what other friends would be there and each time I saw someone new, I literally looked like that meme video of the two toddlers running to each other embracing in a hug. I know that I was never really alone, you know all my friends were in this same journey of hardship. For me, my networking system has never been stronger. That day after we all walked, we celebrated at the local bars and I had the chance to really open up with my friends about this whole COVID-19 experience. Now I'm getting so many resume reviews and job post relays that I don't think I would've ever been this set for a career before. I am forever thankful for the class of 2020, for my friends, family, and mentors who have supported me through this crazy journey.

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